The subject of domestic abuse is something very close to my heart. It has affected me personally and has affected the lives of so many of my clients around the world. My clients are both women & men, and they are Indian, Pakistani, African, Arab, American, Mexican, European and more. And what I’ve learned from hearing their stories and researching about abuse is that everyone is affected by abuse. For many of my clients, I become the first person whom they have shared their stories to, and I tell them that I have heard the exact same story from many others from around the world. Each story is usually the same and follows the same pattern, with only a few differences.
I’ve also learned about what is and what is NOT abuse. Sometimes we are quick to label someone as abusive, when they may instead be replaying old habits or trying to fight against abuse.
I need you all to understand that the intention of sharing this is not so that we can label anyone or cast off an entire gender or group of people because of our personal experiences. My intention is to help classify a pattern of behaviors and help us all make sense of an otherwise very confusing subject. I also want you all to understand that abuse is not very well understood by the masses and even amongst therapists themselves. Domestic abuse is a specialty within a specialty and is an area of research that is rapidly growing.
With that said, I want you all to know there is SO much information out there regarding this subject, but here I will explain the definition of domestic abuse, how to recognize it, what are some common misconceptions, and possible solutions.
Domestic Violence Statistics
Studies show that 1 in 4 women and 1 in 9 men in the US will experience severe intimate partner violence within their lifetimes. Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women between the ages of 15-44, more than car accidents, robberies and rapes combined.
According to a survey conducted by Peaceful Families and Project Sakinah:
31% of American Muslims reported experiencing abuse within an intimate partner relationship.
53% of American Muslims reported having experiencing some form of domestic violence during their lifetimes.
You can see by the statistics on the bottom right graphic that emotional or verbal abuse is the most common type of abuse, followed by physical, financial, spiritual and sexual.
I will be using the pronouns of “he” as the abuser and “she” as the victim. However, know that abuse affects men too, and I am aware that a woman can be abusive as either a parent, in-law, sibling or spouse.
Let’s first begin by defining what is abuse. Domestic abuse is defined as:
“a systematic pattern of behaviors used to maintain power and control in an intimate partner relationship. ”
One thing that is true for all victims is that domestic abuse usually results in the diminishment of a person’s sense of self, or in other words, a person loses the ability to be themselves. Let’s break this definition up.
Abuse is a Systemic Problem
From the above definition we learn that abuse is part of a system. Dictionary.com defines a system as either as a “group of parts working together” or “a set of ideas or procedures that leads up to an established outcome” I like to refer to these as those “unspoken rules” or expectations that are required of us individually as men and women.
For example, in an abusive system, we may have the following attitudes, values and beliefs.
Attitudes/Belief/Values about Men:
Men are fearless, strong and superior to women.
A man who doesn’t fight when he is pushed around will lose respect as a man.
In an intimate relationship, it is okay to hit, if you were hit first.
The man is the leader of the home and he is the ultimate decision maker.
Attitudes/Belief/Values about Women:
A good wife is submissive, sacrifices her needs for the sake of the family, is patient and keeps giving.
It is a wife’s responsibility to contain her husband’s anger and protect the family’s honor.
Having feelings makes a person weak. Women are inherently weak for having such emotions.
Women are created to be the object of a man’s sexual desires.
Community Attitudes/Beliefs/Values:
It’s none of our business what happens in the privacy of someone’s home.
A family’s honor/status is more important and should be respected.
It is none of our business how someone else chooses to treat their own spouse/child/elderly parent.
A person should not share their problems openly and emotionally, and its more respectful not to “air dirty linen”.
Violence is justified if the victim is wrong or if the perpetrator “lost control”. (Its ok to hit somebody if the person who you hit did something wrong and we should excuse that person’s behavior because they temporarily lost control).
When we live in a system that operates with these rules, we can also learn how that system works, and that’s when we can start noticing some patterns.
Cycle of Abuse
As part of the definition, we know that domestic abuse involves a pattern of behaviors. A pattern is something that repeats, is consistent and can eventually be predicted. Abuse is not random and spontaneous, and it is not a one-time event. In fact, it is a predictable chain of events. We call this the cycle of abuse. The cycle of abuse begins with tensions building in the home, and unmet needs of both partners. Which is followed by the abusive incident that is either physical, psychological or sexual in nature. This is followed by the honeymoon phase, also called the “love-bombing phase” because the abuser tries really hard to win their partner back through shows of love and affection. He promises that the abuse will never happen again. Sometimes he blames his partner for causing the abuse, or denies that the abuse occurred, or he may claim that it is not as bad as she thinks, and sometimes he may even ask HER to apologize! This ends in a period of calm where the abuse stops or slows down; the victim might think that this person has improved and the abuser indeed may be making some positive gestures, however, these typically decrease in sincerity over time.
An abuser may appear as if they have multiple personalities. For example, there may be an argument where the wife is left feeling very angry and confused. The next day the husband comes home and jokes around with the kids and looks at the wife and says “why are you being so negative?” and acts as if nothing happened. An abusive person maintains this Jekyll / Hyde personality or double personality to confuse a person and to escape accountability. Sometimes he won’t say anything at all and will wait until you become tired and submit to his will.
Types of Abuse
The goal of the abuse is to always maintain power and control and be the dominant or superior one in the relationship. Abusers are often entitled and justify their behavior by the use of their status or authority. They might say, “I am your husband” or “I am your parent” and therefore “you must obey me” or “you need to be put in your place”. There are many ways that an abusive person maintains power and control. There is physical, psychological, sexual, financial, spiritual, digital, and even legal abuse that can occur in a home.
So let’s go over some of these.
Physical abuse can be anything from hitting, pushing, strangling, kicking, biting, burning, throwing acid, destroying furniture or property, blocking an exit, taking car keys, reckless driving, and even threatening any one of the above. It could also be isolating that person, or removing them from the home, even withholding medication especially in the case of elderly parents. Know that you can always call the police if you feel you are in any physical danger or feel in threat of any physical danger. If there are any of these incidents, you can also file a police report, have a person arrested or temporarily removed from the home. I will also caution you all to be responsible and remember that Allah is watching. Overall, your safety and security is of the utmost importance.
Psychological abuse is when a person belittles you, uses offensive language, defames you, makes false accusations or interrogations like always accusing you of cheating, they may be yelling, screaming, humiliating, they may use manipulation tactics such as gaslighting, say things like “You’re bipolar!”, or threaten to commit suicide, there may be isolation such as preventing her from seeing her family or friends, there may be double standards (where they have different rules for you and them), that person may also constantly be checking on her whereabouts and asking her to report where she is, and this person probably presents with a very good public image, overall their goal is to escape responsibility and accountability.
Sexual abuse can be anything from rape, any form of nonconsensual sex or forced sex, a person may withhold sex, act too rough, he may objectify her and say things like “women are for sex”, forced pregnancies, revenge porn - where he threatens to share her naked pictures, he might not allow her to access birth control, or threaten her to get a second wife, forcing her to act like a prostitute in the bedroom, and ask her to perform forbidden forms of sex such as anal sex.
Financial abuse is when he treats her like a teenager and gives her an allowance, he may not allow her to work at all, or even MAKES her work and takes her paycheck and forces her to pay the bills, there may be a lack of transparency with the finances such as not giving access to his bank accounts, or even having secret accounts or cash stored away, the house may be under his name, or the debt is in her name. He may ruin her credit history and may also be faking items on federal taxes.
Spiritual abuse in cases of domestic abuse is about really about using the Quran out of context, it’s when a person forces their partner to follow their version of religion instead of what the religion actually preaches, prevents the other person from practicing their religious beliefs at all, uses the religion to shame them or make them feel like bad Muslims for not doing things a certain way, however, most often, this is when a person uses religious texts to minimize or rationalize their abusive behaviors such as physical, financial, or sexual abuse.
Most people in an abusive relationship actually experience multiple forms of abuse in their relationship, making it very hard for that person to get out.
Below is a resource that helps explain the way abuse may look in a Muslim home.
Key Points to Remember
With all that said, I’d like you all to keep in mind that:
1. Abuse is a systematic pattern of behaviors used to maintain power and control. Abuse is not a one-time event and does not apply to just anyone who uses control tactics. A person could behave in any of these ways but still not be considered abusive.
For example, a person can be giving you the silent treatment, on one hand they might be doing so because they feel inadequate or are afraid of rejection, they may not have conflict resolution skills and do not want to “rock the boat”. On the other hand, another person might specifically be withholding attention or affection because they want their partner to give into their will. As soon as the other person submits they will change their attitude completely.
Another example is, that a person may push another person, but they did that because they believe that the other person is controlling THEM, and is using a physical gesture to get free. I am not excusing bad behavior, however, it is important to distinguish what is and what is NOT abuse. In every case, an abusive person is someone who is highly entitled and overvalues themselves. Their idea is to put the other person “in their place” or use their status or authority to get their needs met with absolutely NO regard or empathy for the other person. Their idea is to always maintain a position of dominance where their needs are valued over the other person’s physical and emotional well-being.
2. Abusers work hard to maintain their public image. They might be the biggest donor at the masjid fundraiser, the most loving mother or father on the playground, they may even support feminism because it makes them look good. They might be well-dressed, charming and romantic. These behaviors serve to further confuse their partner and outsiders.
3. The abuser may not be abusive in every relationship. He/she may be a fantastic coworker and an obedient son/daughter, and will only restrict their abuse to those whom they have control over such as their spouse and kids.
4. Victims do not always look beaten and bruised. In fact, they may be silent and smiling. They may be hard workers, giving tirelessly, and always pleasing others.
5. It is a myth to believe that the abuser will change overnight. Changing abusive behavior takes months, if not years of work ONLY IF that person is willing to work on themselves. Abuse cannot be cured by attending a few therapy sessions or lectures. Sometimes the good behavior is just part of the cycle of abuse. Unfortunately abusive behavior is not a disease that can be cured or medicated, it is a way of life and is usually very deep rooted. Behaviors that are learned will take time to be unlearned. However, with humility, the fear of Allah, and a great amount of willingness, it is absolutely possible.
6. Not everyone who appears controlling is abusive. Many people may act in similar ways but instead are suffering from crippling low self-esteem. Their intention may not be to take control, instead they believe they are inadequate, unworthy, have fears of rejection and abandonment. They may be afraid to make mistakes or they may just be copying behaviors they witnessed growing up. An abusive person on the other hand is a person who overvalues themselves and though they have the same fears and behaviors, they compensate by displaying excessive superiority. I get asked this question a lot “Am I the abusive one?”, typically the ones who are worried that they are the abusive ones or not, are usually NOT abusive.
7. Perpetrators are people too. We like to think that abusive individuals are evil people, but they are also our brothers and sisters who have experienced abuse before and need to seek help. Let’s learn to balance our judgment with some compassion. However, accepting their humanness does not mean we allow the behavior to continue. It is our duty as Muslims not only to enjoin in good but to also actively forbid evil by holding them to account for their behavior and protecting ourselves and loved ones.
What is it like in an abusive relationship?
Some people ask, what is it like to be in an abusive relationship? Being in an abusive relationship feels like terror for the woman. Some ask “Why doesn’t she just leave?”. For a woman in an abusive system, leaving is not about JUST leaving a man, it is also leaving financial stability, maybe losing her children, facing her unsupportive family or community. It may mean being labeled and discarded by social standards. It may be fear of the unknown because no one in her family or community may have left an abusive marriage. For many the greatest struggle is break the shackles in their mind.
A typical victim may experience a variety of thoughts such as:
How will I protect my kids? How will I protect myself? How will we eat today? How about tomorrow? Will people accept me if I leave?
As a woman I’m supposed to obey my husband. Will people treat me differently if I’m divorced? - My mom went through this, so I guess this is what it’s like to be married.
Does leaving him make me a loser, a deficient wife, a failure?
Maybe what he says about me is true. Maybe I’m the abuser and something is wrong with me.
This is God’s way of punishing me because of my past sins. Everyone thinks I’m selfish, maybe I’m a narcissist.
Even if he hurts me, at least I won’t be alone. Who will take care of me?
In some way I feel sorry for him. He went through a traumatic childhood, maybe I can help him and contain his anger.
And there may be so many more thoughts that prevent her from taking the necessary actions to protect herself and her children. She may also be experiencing anxiety, depression, and PTSD which cripple her mentally from taking appropriate risks to protect herself.
For many of my clients, abuse is part of their family history. It’s about living in a world where women are expected to be perfect, the purpose of their existence is to be the object of a man’s desire. It’s about living in a system where women are pressured to submit to control and men are pressured to take control. It’s about a system of hierarchy where a woman’s own son is held before her. It’s about growing up in a home where boys are treated differently from girls. It’s about following the religion of our forefathers instead of the religion of our Creator, the one who has control of our lives before AND after death.
So what do I do now?
Put our trust in Allah SWT. Patience does not mean enduring through a life of suffering. Patience means doing everything we can to alleviate our situation, and letting go of things that are outside of our control.
Strengthen your social supports. Most likely your abuser criticizes not only you, but also your family and friends. He wants you to feel like you can’t trust them. Reach out to those people you can trust and those who will believe your story. It is easier when we can share our pain with others.
Focus on a long term plan. Whether you decide to stay or to leave, that decision is entirely up to you, it is always important however, to have a plan for your safety and well-being.
Know your rights! Know what are the rights of a woman in Islam. Know your legal rights. Be aware of the systems of protection around you, know how to use them and when to call. In our culture, we are taught to not vocalize our rights. So when they are violated, we are told to “be patient” and “stay strong”. Know that a Muslim is one who trusts in Allah. Who trusts in His will and His ability to change our situation.
Talk to a professionally trained counselor. A counselor can help untangle some of your thoughts and emotions and keep you on track for where YOU want to be. They can help you make sense of your situation and provide resources. I’ll also add here that it is important to go to someone who understands abuse. Many of my clients have gone to counselors who didn’t understand their situation and were left feeling angry and confused. Just know that YOU are not the problem, and that the therapist lacks a level of understanding. My clients have gone to Imams, or therapists who have no background in domestic abuse and have come back feeling retraumatized. I recommend you keep trying until you find the therapist that is right for you.
We can’t help others if we can’t help ourselves. Sometimes we put everyone else before us and we believe that we can perfect ourselves, keep others happy, or change him by ourselves. If we are exhausted, beaten and bruised in the process, then we will end up losing ourselves instead. The best results come from filling our cup first. We are our biggest asset.
Everyone has a choice. No matter our situation, everyone has the power to make a choice. Allah SWT does not judge the situation, but the way we choose to respond. A lot of us are experts at enjoining in good, but it takes courage and tact to know how to forbid evil.
Know that you are not alone. There are so many people who have been through this situation and have come out with flying colors. So many of us have become advocates and are working hard to help others and promote social justice. Know that everyone involved in an abusive system is affected and our situation does not change just by removing the abusive person. We also need to work on ourselves and repair the damage done. So many sisters I know personally, got out of an abusive marriage, only to enter another. There are so many women I know who left their abusive husbands but did not heal, only for the cycle to repeat again within their children’s marriages. This test is more about bettering ourselves than it is about others.
As Muslims, we want our last day to be the best day of our lives. We want to be able to say that we lived a fulfilling life, one where we were learning and growing every day. A life where we took every opportunity to better ourselves. We want to be able to say that we lived a life where we didn’t just survive through oppressive environments, but we absolutely thrived despite it all. We not only broke the pattern from previous generations, but we made a shift that allowed our children to take the torch even further.
Sukoon is about finding a place within each of us that is the source of our power. It is a place where we find deep purpose and meaning in life. When we learn to access this space and fortify it, we are in a better position to handle hardships in life.