Allah is the Most Perfect. He alone possesses total perfection, praise, magnificence, and self-sufficiency. Allah is perfect within each of his attributes and none among His creation can encompass their perfection. The reality of His perfection is that the more His attributes of perfection are mentioned, the more perfect the praise. To Allah belongs the dominion of the heavens and the earth, and He is the only one worthy of being worshipped. The servant in contrast is needy, impoverished, and deficient. The more he realizes his deficiency, the more he becomes aware of his Lord's attributions of perfection. The creation, therefore, turns to the Most Perfect in adoration, glorification, humility, and fear in the face of needs and calamities (Anjum, 2020).
In a world obsessed with perfection and brilliance and fearful of deficiency and loss, a servant learns to blur the lines of the distinction by deriving self-worth through the attainment of perfection, a status of power that bestows him authority over those too weak to seek it. Through his self-proclaimed "god-given" status, a servant is reminded of his upward trajectory and eventual union with God. The more his position is highlighted upon the pedestal, the more pronounced his deviance from reality, and the more he unwittingly ascribes his successes to innate attributes of perfection. The individual then assumes his rank as sovereign, as Khalifah, as a vessel of God, one who possesses the power to impose commandments, punishments, and his will upon others. A hunger for status, praise, and admiration blinds him to the reality of Jannah as the highest of stations, and he attempts to resolve his existential anxiety by recreating his dominion of heaven on earth. To maintain the constant supply that is required to feed his impoverished self, the individual becomes willing to disobey Allah’s commandments, deny His existence, and justify the use of shame and violence to keep him from witnessing the truth of his own feeble design. The blurring between Creator and creation under tyrannical rulers and oppressive environments has led society to maintain a secondary distinction between the ruler and the ruled, the strong and the weak, the worthy and the unworthy. This paper examines the philosophical, psychological, and social implications of narcissism, and how it affects nations, social structures, and families by perverting the distinction of perfection between the Creator and the Creation.
Part I: The Reality of Allah's Perfection
Allah ﷻ is the Most Perfect, the Most High, and in control of everything in the universe. Everything in His dominion, from planets to particles, the seen and the unseen, to the knowledge of the past, present, and future, are all signs of His perfection. The alternation of the night and day, the circulation of the winds and seas, and the cycles of life and death are all maintained within His perfect balance. The sun, moon, plants, animals, atmosphere, and oceans all prostrate to His command, and His is the most majestic kingdom. None compare to his plenitude, largess, glory, omnipotence, might, and superiority, and he is The Most Worthy, the most deserving of admiration and praise.
Allah's Perfect Names & Attributes
His name Allah ﷻ supersedes all of His beautiful names, which are extricated from the divine attributes of the name Allah. Praise in God is an affirmation of the unicity in lordship and His overall perfection from any flaws and deficiencies (Anjum, 2020). Unequivocally, the name Allah implies that He is a deity worthy of being worshipped. He is the sublime authority over all of existence, deserving infinite praise and veneration. The creation, therefore, humbles themselves before a Lord who is perfect through each of His attributes.
None of Allah's creation is equipped to possess the totality of these attributes, thus reigning Him superior above His creation. Allah ﷻ mentions, "Do you know of anyone equal to Him ˹in His attributes˺?" [Q.19:65]. Allah ﷻ is described as the one who holds the exclusive right to possess the perfection of each attribute, namely, by describing Himself as "the Most High", "the Most Wise", "The Most Merciful", and so forth. When he is described as being "the Most High", for example, he is high in every aspect of highness and none can compare to Him (Anjum, 2020). The combination of perfect attributes creates a third more perfect attribute. Therefore, if His power is perfection, and His forgiveness is perfection, the association of power with forgiveness is perfection multiplied (Anjum, 2020, p.134). One can only assume that if His perfection can be dually multiplied, then the exponential combination of all of his ninety-nine and beyond attributes constitutes a being that is rightfully supreme.
Repentance: The Perfection of Worship
A perfect man is one whose flaws are countable, but only the self-aware, vigilant, and humble one is capable of seeing the ocean of his faults and flaws (Anjum, 2020). Indeed, part of Allah's perfection is the creation of insaan, one whose name is inbuilt an imperfection, namely "the forgetful one", for insaan need to be regularly reminded of the reality of Allah's perfection. Part of His perfection is the design of a being that is inherently weak, deficient, and needy of His help and guidance. For that reason, one can argue that the essence and perfection of worship is the act of repentance, the act of affirming the reality of perfection, through the acceptance of the distinction between Allah's perfection and human imperfection. Without this fundamental condition, why would humans need to seek His forgiveness? Why would they need to seek His help? Why would they even need a God? This critical stance separates the believers from the non-believers and is the root of arrogance and self-sufficiency within the hearts. In a Sahih Hadith, the Prophet ﷺ mentions "By Him in whose hand is my soul, if you did not sin, Allah would replace you with people who would sin and they would seek forgiveness from Allah and He would forgive them" [Sahih Muslim, 2749]. Therefore, one of the main purposes of human existence is to affirm the reality of human's fallible status and Allah's infallible status by seeking repentance. It is also to understand that one of Allah's defining attributes is that of mercy (Ar-Rahman, Ar-Rahim), and only those nearest to Him will affirm this reality through worshipping Him alone, offering Him exclusive praise and veneration, and adhering to His commandments and prohibitions.
Part II: Rankism
"He is the One Who has placed you as successors on the earth and elevated some of you in rank over others, so that He may test you with what He has given you. Surely your Lord is swift in punishment, but He is certainly All-Forgiving, Most Merciful [6:165] .
Since the beginning of the existence of human creation, rank has been a defining marker for self-evaluation. Iblis was the first to seek perfection and elevate his rank above the jinn. His perceived worthiness above Adam AS led him to assert that fire is better than clay, causing him to defy Allah's direct commandment. For humans, three relationships define our lives, namely our relationship with ourselves, with others, and with our Creator. When the relationship with ourselves is skewed it has the potential to significantly impact our relationship with others and with God. By definition, the relationship with the self measures worthiness based on self-evaluation, and perception of rank in comparison to others. For true believers, this distinction is clear, Allah is the only one worthy of worship, and humans are unworthy of being worshipped. Though humans differ in their strengths and weaknesses, each individual is inherently equal in status and only differs in worth by Allah’s evaluation, and only Allah ﷻ knows who is more perfect in deed and in character.
Three False Assumptions
All sects of Islam believe that Allah ﷻ is perfect and humans are imperfect. But the clarity of this distinction and how humans evaluate themselves in relation to God has been the cause of much strife and division throughout the history of the Muslim ummah. Groups have differed over what constitutes perfection, who is deserving of rank, and how much control can be attributed to humans. When the lines are blurred between a perfect God and an imperfect creation, and the heart becomes blind, a person can espouse the following false assumptions.
First Assumption: The closer a person is to perfection, the closer his rank is to God. Followers of this first assumption believe that by striving for perfection and seeking power and position in this world, they will become one with God, imbued with God's traits, and ultimately become a vessel of God. According to this assumption, a human is on the same scale as God. On one hand is a needy, weak, and helpless human, who works to overcome his deficiency, assumes power and transcends his rank as beside God. For this group, possession of power, status, and control are manifestations of God's favor upon them and ultimately defines the reality of human purpose and existence. But Allah ﷻ vehemently refutes this lack of distinction by stating, "And how can you set up equals with Him? [41:9]". He is the Most Wise, who elevates those in rank whomever He wills [12:76], not because they are worthy allies, or to establish himself within them, but to test them [6:165].
Second Assumption: If a person is favored with rank in this world then they are favored with rank in the next world. Under this assumption, a person falsely believes that if they have been favored with rank in this world, then they get an automatic pass in the next world. In Surah Kahf, the man blessed with a lush garden pompously states "nor do I think the Hour will ˹ever˺ come. And if in fact I am returned to my Lord, I will definitely get a far better outcome than ˹all˺ this." [18:36]. The favors bestowed to him in this world, signal to him his chosen status in the next. Allah ﷻ states "And "Who˺ makes you successors in the earth? Is it another god besides Allah? Yet you are hardly mindful!" [27:62]. Attributing personal success solely to their own inherent abilities skews a person’s perceived self-worth and increases the potential for arrogance and entitlement over others. Additionally, such persons may wrongly assume that those denied of rank are deficient, lacking, and undeserving. Allah ﷻ mentions, "And had We willed, We would have made from among you angels to be successors on earth" [43:60]. Therefore, power over others in this world does not guarantee rank in the next world.
Third Assumption: A person who is favored with rank has the right to exercise their will over others, for their will is equal to God's will. A person who proclaims undeserved rank over others, leaves room for arrogance, entitlement, shame, and ultimately violence. Under this false assumption, obedience to humans becomes a necessary prerequisite and oftentimes a gradual replacement for the obedience of God. They perceive their will as equal to God's will and the disobedient ones incur their wrath. Pleasing the master is equated to pleasing the Creator and the lines are blurred for all who are involved. To them, Allah ﷻ declares "He is the Living, there is no god but He, therefore call on Him, being sincere to Him in obedience" [40:65]. Humans are prone to error, which is why each individual answers to Allah before any human. Those in power are entrusted with an increased responsibility to themselves, to others, and to God. Allah ﷻ says "We have placed you as a successor on the earth; so judge you between men in truth (and justice) and follow not your desires - for it will mislead you from the Path of Allah" [38:26]. In this, blind following is discouraged, and people are encouraged to hold their leaders accountable before Allah.
Rankism
Robert Fuller describes rankism as "the exploitation or humiliation of those with less power or lower status", and the act by which "the somebodies use the power of their rank to humiliate or disadvantage those they see as nobodies" (Fuller, 2021). Fuller sees rankism as the root cause of a variety of dominating behaviors that "affects individuals, groups, and nations….distorts our personal relationships, erodes our will to learn, taxes our economic productivity, stokes ethnic hatred, and incites nations to war", and adds that it often causes "dysfunctionality, and sometimes even violence, in families, schools, and the workplace" (Fuller, 2021). Despite the damaging aspects of rankism, Fuller acknowledges that "rank can be a useful organizational tool that, used respectfully, helps facilitate cooperation". Rank itself is not the problem, it is the abuse of rank that is an affront to human dignity (Fuller, 2021).
Equal Dignity
While rankism may be regarded as an "undiagnosed social disorder that is at large in the world", Fuller mentions that the cure is rooted in "treating people with dignity, no matter where they fall on the corporate, social, familial, or political ladder" (Fuller, 2021). While equal dignity is a widely accepted principle within Western society, ongoing debates with Muslim-majority nations reveal resistance in establishing universal human rights including fear of secularization, privatization of religion, and disagreements about legal and natural personhood among others (Sachedina, 2014). Currently, Amnesty International defines equality as the right to be treated equally based on race, ethnicity, nationality, class, caste, religion, belief, sex, gender, language, sexual orientation, gender identity, sex characteristics, age, health, or another status (Amnesty International, n.d.). Equal dignity is being mindful of one’s privilege and when interacting with those with lesser rank, choosing compassion over prejudice.
The Best of Ranks
Though many cultures and religions use different parameters to define rank, it is a duty for Muslims to be mindful of whom Allah and His Messenger see as the best in rank. Allah ﷻ says "But whoever comes to Him as a believer, having done good, they will have the highest of ranks" [20:75]. In a Sahih Hadith, the Prophet ﷺ said "Verily, among the best of you are those with the best character" [Bukhari, 3366]. In many other hadith, the Prophet ﷺ described the best of people as those who are best in: deeds [Tirmidhi], fulfilling rights [Ahmad], conduct with their neighbors [Tirmidhi, 1944], those from whose tongue and hand people are safe [Ahmad], those who are charitable, those who are best to their wives [Ibn Majah, 1978] and to their families [Tirmidhi, 3895], inspire others to remember Allah [Ibn Majah, 4119], and bring the most benefit to the rest of mankind [Daraqutni].
Therefore, the dangers of ranking anything other than what Allah and His Messenger rank can and have led to various abuses of power through the existence of tyranny, colonialism, slavery, racism, sexism, ethnocentrism, lynching, rape, bullying, child and elder abuse, domestic violence, sexual harassment, corporate corruption, clergy misconduct and homophobia (Fuller). Each of these is an abuse of the weak by the strong and is an instance of bullying, or putting people down because of their own status, or power (Fuller, 2021).
Part III: Narcissism Within the Social Fabric
Narcissists Mentioned in the Qur'an
Narcissism is not new to our generation. Allah ﷻ spoke of the grandiosity of Firaun, who saw himself as a god, the most high [79:24]. Firaun is described as a "tyrant", a "transgressor" [10:83], one who "transgressed all limits" [20:24], pursued the people of Musa "unjustly and oppressively" [10:90], and one who abused his authority and riches to "lead people astray" [10:88]. Firaun justified the subjugation of an entire nation as a means to maintain his supreme authority. For humans, power fills an empty hole. The fear of losing the comfort of control inevitably leads to disobedience through overvaluation of the self, devaluation of others, and elimination of possible threats through the use of violence. For Firaun, this meant killing all the infant boys that would potentially threaten his sustained sovereignty.
Narcissism is the fear of self-diminishment compensated with arrogance and a sense of entitlement over others. Iblis was the first to verbalize this arrogance and entitlement when he said "I am better than he is: You created me from fire and him from clay" [7:12]. This desire to be seen as special and worthy led him to refuse Allah's direct command to prostrate to Adam AS. Allah directly admonishes him by saying "What prevented you from prostrating to what I created with My Own Hands? Did you ˹just˺ become proud? Or have you always been arrogant?" [38:75]. Though many narcissists of today's generation may not make outright claims of being God, the dangerous effects of excessive self-elevation and devaluation of others create a power differential with the potential to shape humans minds and social systems and create philosophical, psychological, and social damage and confusion regarding who is truly worthy of worship.
Political Narcissism Through Authoritarianism
Authoritarianism, through its many forms, is exhibited in a variety of cultures and nations over the course of history through the presence of sovereigns, Khalifahs, monarchs, tyrants, false prophets, and authoritarian family structures. For example, in British society, Queen Elizabeth I saw herself as a "vessel of God" and would "pray to determine God's will so that He would reveal it to her, and she could implement it" (Queen, 2021). Similarly in South Asian cultures, "mazaji khuda" is a concept that teaches a woman that her husband is akin to a deity, or being next to God (Kumar et al., 2005); he is also her gateway to heaven or hell and the arbiter of her final destiny (Hunter, 2005). In the authoritarian traditional Chinese culture, there is a great emphasis and reverence for, and obedience to, authorities (emperor, parents, and teachers); authorities were even regarded as gods (Chien, 2016). In Arab culture, a Sultan is seen as "God's shadow on earth" giving rulers all sources of authority (Milner, 1981). In early Islamic political history, Mu'awiya's mulk, or kingdom was one continued by his successors, instilling tribalism and an authoritarian government (Leaman, 2017). To this day, domineering regimes based on tribalism and shame, have encouraged the growth of forms of "authoritarianism in the family, a patriarchy based on the analogy of the ruler and the ruled, and levels of physical and psychological violence to maintain those levels of authority" (Leaman, 2017).
Narcissism in Popular Culture
Popular fiction has depicted many narcissists over the years through the likes of villainous characters such as Voldemort, Sauron, Jafar, Garmadon, Mr. Smith, Thanos, and others. Such characters are obsessed with power, seek excessive admiration, lack empathy, assume divine omnipotence, impose their will through psychological and physical violence, and the worst of them seek the destruction of the current world order in order to recreate a world in their own image. Viewers observe the narcissistic villain’s distorted ideas of perfection, power, control, and even of love. In the popular movie Avengers: Infinity War, in order to obtain the soul stone, Thanos willingly sacrifices his daughter Gamora in the name of love (Libbey, 2018).
Just like their villainous counterparts, heroes are those who have moved from the helpless, depressed, “one down” position to a transfigured, grandiose “one-up” position. It is the “weakling” who stands up and rips off his shirt and becomes the “hero”. The hero’s journey, which involves some difficult trial, often pain, and humiliation, goes through an experience of transformation and triumphal return (Real, 2003). Both hero and villain mutate from a state of helplessness to sublimity through a spiritual awakening, involving submerging the self in an abundant other (masochistic position) or merging the self with the divine (sadistic position) (Real, 2003). In our modern version, the hero’s self is not transmuted by spirit but inflated by violence (Real, 2003).
Every story with a narcissistic villain requires both heroes and victims, creating the classic power struggle, and what transactional analysts in the field of psychology call the Karpman drama triangle (Graham, 2017). The presence of one role requires the presence of others in order to establish and maintain a chaotic balance (Graham, 2017). The search for illusory control and transcendence has provided the platform for grandiosity. For centuries, popular culture has perpetuated this dysfunctional ubiquitous narrative through the roles of perpetrator, rescuer, and victim, preventing viewers from witnessing healthy, secure, and resilient relationships.
Dangers of Veneration
"So do not set up equals to Allah, for Allah certainly knows and you do not know". [16:74]
In authoritarian cultures, veneration and respect are fundamental aspects of maintaining social hierarchy. As the collective needs of society are emphasized over individual needs, the correct attitude to authority becomes "first towards the parents, then towards the wider authorities of State and Church, and finally towards the rules which emanate from these authorities" (Jones, 1951). Honor and respect is given to those who fulfill social expectations, and failure to meet these expectations justifies the use of criticism, humiliation, shame, and violence. In religious communities, those who rank the highest such as saints (awliya), spiritual leaders (shaykhs/imams), jurists (fuqaha), and agents of Quran (qari/hafidh) and hadith (aalim), are often venerated to the highest degree. Veneration in itself imitates worship and requires adoration, reverence, exaltation, adulation, glorification, devotion, and praise of the object of veneration. The dangers of excessive veneration are (1) distraction from the true object of adoration (God) by introducing mediators, (2) creation of extreme power differentials that increase the potential for abuse of rank (3) submission to human will above divine will (4) potential to overlook the faults and flaws of authority and neglect to hold them accountable, and (5) distortion of an individual's psyche as it affects their relationship with self, others, and Allah.
Part IV: Rankism in Family Systems
"Under patriarchy, you can either be connected or you can be powerful, but you cannot be both at the same time". - Terry Real (An internationally recognized family therapist. and author of Bestseller "I Don't Want to Talk About It")
In personal relationships, the abuse of rank is experienced as an insult to dignity as individuals are tuned in to detect the slightest trace of condescension or indignity in others' treatment (Fuller, 2021). Pulling rank takes the form of shame, blame, disrespect, insults, disdain, 'dissing', berating, snobbery, and humiliation (Fuller, 2021). Even when individuals are not being deliberately malicious, rank abuse can still warp and distort our interactions. Most importantly, when an individual undeserving of rank imposes commandments and prohibitions from within his own subjective warped perception of reality, it shows up negatively in relationships, and impacts communities, families, and each individual's mental health.
Shame-Based Rules
All systems have rules that maintain homeostasis and optimal functioning. In systems that are rank-driven and shame-based, rules are often rigid, arbitrary, unrealistic, and destructive. Families that operate with such shame-based rules are prone to abuse, harsh parenting techniques, mental health problems, and more. Shame-based rules arise from intense feelings of fear of one's perceived loss of rank, and the fear that without these rigid and unrealistic rules, one's entire world will fall apart. This person fears that they will be rejected and abandoned by others if they are unable to play the roles that these rules specify; or they may fear inadequacy, and appearing weak and deficient compared to others. Oftentimes, individuals use these rules to try to experience some sense of power, safety, and predictability in an otherwise chaotic and frightening world. But in the process of providing some temporary relief and stability, these rules only solidify the shameful feelings within and exacerbate underlying fears. It goes without saying that since these rules are ultimately impossible to follow, the system is destined to break down and, in fact, generate more feelings of shame, insecurity, and defectiveness in all individuals involved within the system.
Ten Rules Found in Narcissistic Homes
According to Donaldson-Pressman and Pressman (1997), the following are ten rules commonly employed in a narcissistic home. These rules are passed down from generation to generation, are severe and uncompromising, and are enforced through physical, psychological, emotional, sexual, financial, and other forms of punishment.
1. Children are taught that someone must be blamed for the mistakes that occur. There needs to be a scapegoat. In a healthy family, ownership is taught. Apologies and amends are made. When an injustice occurs, the perpetrator takes accountability for his or her behavior.
2. The narcissist always gets his or her way during decision-making. There is no cooperation, collaboration, or compromise (at least on the narcissist's part). Family members are discouraged to think for themselves. Only the non-narcissistic family members are called to compromise their wants. A role reversal of qawwam leaves dependent family members to protect and provide for the narcissist's consistently deficient sense of self.
3. The narcissist is allowed to have his or her feelings and "dump" them on other family members. In healthy families every family member is free to experience his or her emotions; however, no one is allowed to dump their emotions on another family member. Rage attacks are not tolerated. Ownership is taught regarding feelings.
4. Family members other than the narcissist must justify why they feel the way they do, and the narcissist will never validate anyone else's emotions. Any emotion besides anger is unacknowledged and unexpressed. In healthy families, emotions are expressed in healthy ways; emotional expression is not equated to weakness; family members are allowed to talk about their feelings and believe that other family members will listen to them.
5. "Discipline" of children is harsh, shame-filled, destructive, inappropriately expressed, and hurtful. In healthy families, discipline is thoughtful, productive, intentional, and not a method for the parent to "work out" his or her own emotional issues. Discipline is paired with warmth and compassion and is meant to teach children through appropriate role-modeling.
6. Family members are conditioned to meet the needs of the narcissist. All members learn this expectation, in particular, the narcissistically parentified child learns to prioritize the parent's needs and organize their life around the happiness of others. In healthy families, one's needs are not always going to be met by others, but they can be properly articulated to others.
7. Children are taught, not to look within themselves, but to constantly scan the horizon in order to determine the narcissist's mood before making a decision. This teaches children not to trust their own thoughts, feelings, or intuition; and to "walk on eggshells." In healthy families, each individual is allowed to experience his or her own reality. Individuals learn to trust their intuition, and balance between their rights and responsibilities with those of others.
8. Everyone in the family learns that making mistakes is shameful. On top of that, "mistakes" seem to be arbitrary, based on the narcissist's state of mind. The culture of a healthy environment teaches that mistakes are how we learn. There is no shame involved. Children are taught of God's punishment and his mercy and reward.
9. Rules are rigid, unchanging, arbitrary, and based on the narcissist’s reality. Flexibility is discouraged. Changing one's mind is not permitted. In a healthy family, changing one's mind is evidence that people can grow and rethink based on new information. Individuals value others’ opinions and decisions are made together with understanding.
10. Image is the highest priority. Physical appearance, social standing, and rank in relationships are more important than needs, feelings, rights, or the quality of the relationship itself. In healthy families, connection and authenticity in relationships are what matter most.
The presence of rigid shame-based rules creates confusion, instills negative core beliefs such as "I am a failure", "I am unlovable", and "I am worthless", and disrupts healthy human development. Children grow up feeling exceedingly deficient and unworthy, and do not learn how to take care of their own needs and feelings. The use of fear and control disguised as love and care disrupts healthy human attachments and ideas of safety, trust and respect. Inevitably, the intergenerational transmission of dysfunctional beliefs, values, and roles learned through parental modeling are normalized, internalized, institutionalized, and ultimately politicized.
Types of Narcissism
Narcissism has been divided into two types, grandiose and vulnerable, and shows a significant correlation with the avoidant and anxious attachment styles respectively (Rohmann et al., 2012). Depending on the style of the narcissist, there may be differences in their valuation of close relationships, sensitivity to others’ evaluations, emotionality, reliance, awareness of needs, and overall expectation of self and others.
Grandiose Narcissists. Oftentimes correlated with the avoidant-dismissive attachment style, grandiose narcissists have adapted to avoid intimacy and prefer distance in relationships (Rohmann et al., 2012). They appear arrogant, cold, entitled, envious and lacking compassion. These individuals are excessively self-reliant, self-sufficient, and independent. To others, they seem strong, confident, and in control. They deny the need for close relationships, neglect meeting the needs of others, and expect family members to imitate their hyper-individualism. Internally, the grandiose narcissist harbors deep fears of inadequacy, rejection, dependency, being controlled, or engulfed emotionally by others (Miller et al., 2011). A denial and disregard for their own and other's needs and feelings inflates their insecurity in the long-term (Rohmann et al., 2012). To compensate, this individual may seek more power and control and increase their demand and expectations of others.
Vulnerable Narcissists. Unlike grandiose narcissists, vulnerable narcissists do not deny the need for close relationships, rather, they have a tendency to feel desperate toward others and seek reassurance to feel secure. Oftentimes related to the anxious-preoccupied attachment style, vulnerable narcissists have a self-focused attention, are hypersensitive to others' evaluations, and have an exaggerated sense of entitlement (Rohmann et al., 2012). This individual is needy, has a strong fear of rejection, criticism, and abandonment, and believes that his or her status warrants micromanagement of others’ behavior. Vulnerable narcissists may believe that they are only safe when people around them are perfect and in control. Regarding emotionality, vulnerable narcissists are prone to emotional amplification, exaggeration of worries, and manifest depressed reactions to actual or potential failures. They may be socially destructive, exhibit violent outbursts, and generally have more interpersonal problems, low relationship satisfaction, frequent breakups, and conflicts (Rohmann et al., 2012). Vulnerable narcissists are highly focused on what they are getting (or not getting) from others, and swing from feeling superior to inferior based on the ways others see them or are perceived to see them (Miller et al., 2011).
Securely Attached Adults
Studies have shown that children with a secure attachment history were more likely to develop: a greater sense of self-agency, better emotional regulation, healthy self-esteem, better coping under stress, closer friendships, more trusting and lasting romantic relationships, greater social competence, better leadership qualities, happier and better relationships with parents and siblings, and an overall greater trust in life (Divecha, 2017). Nurturing secure attachments also have the potential to reduce the damaging effects of narcissism and increase psychological resiliency. However, without conscious intervention, attachment styles are likely to be transmitted across generations. Most importantly, individuals with insecure attachment styles in positions of power have the potential to distort and weaponize cultural and religious interpretations to meet self-serving agendas, and further distort the realities that affect families and larger social systems.
Dangers of Spiritual Abuse
Spiritual abuse is when an individual distorts religious texts or principles to manipulate, control and bully others through the guise of religion. This weaponization includes using religion for personal gain and justifying acts of physical, psychological, sexual, financial, and other forms of abuse as a god-given right. The emotional effects of spiritual abuse play the role of perpetuating abuse in families across generations, maintaining dysfunctional patterns of behavior in family relationships, and disrupting emotional regulation processes (Simonič, 2013). In a Muslim household, spiritual abuse involves: misusing and misinterpreting the role of qawwam, threatening to marry multiple wives, micromanaging spouse's behavior, expecting blind obedience in response to demands, practicing 'wife-beating, marital rape, harsh and rigid interpretation of Islamic principles, focus on God's punishment, and an overall environment of shame and violence. In order to survive physically, emotionally, and psychologically, victims of abuse may feel pressured to 'give-in', thus, compromising their moral values, and renouncing the rights of their Creator.
Part V: The Reality of Perfection
The Prophetic Model
"Indeed, ˹O Prophet,˺ We have sent you as a witness, a deliverer of good news, and a warner". [48:8]
Allah ﷻ sent prophets as warners and bearers of good news. Ultimately, it is only by Allah's will that a person is rightly guided. A messenger is employed to carry out the will of Allah, and model the correct guidance. If even after receiving the message, a person chooses not to follow, the messenger is not held accountable, "And you will not be accountable for the residents of the Hellfire" [2:119]. Even as the head of the community, the Prophet ﷺ could not use his political power to enforce a God-human relationship, one that is founded on individual autonomy and human agency (Sachedina, 2014). Rather, Allah ﷻ reminded the Prophet ﷺ that his duty was simply to deliver the message without taking it upon himself to function as God's religious enforcer [17:54, 50:45] (Sachedina, 2014). In fact, none of the prophets used coercion nor did they exercise punishment for those who disregarded the message. Despite being chosen by Allah ﷻ, the prophets did not expect to be venerated, revered, adored, or praised. To them, the distinction was clear, only Allah ﷻ is deserving of worship and praise for He has appointed them as guardians of the faith and blessed them from within His infinite bounty.
Accepting Human Vulnerability
"And Allah is the Self-Sufficient, while you are the needy. And if you turn away (from Him), He will replace you with another people, then they will not be like you". [47:38]
Allah ﷻ created humans imperfect in that they have needs. In their constant struggle [90:4] to meet these needs, humans naturally resolve to create a comfortable abode in this world, where there is no fear of death or pain. However, the existential reality is that only Allah ﷻ is everlasting [16:96], and the only everlasting abode is that of the afterlife. The purpose of comfort in this life is to provide periods of rest and ease between periods of hardship and growth [94:6]. In order to truly thrive, the servant must inevitably accept that he is inherently powerless, incapacitated, weak and vulnerable, and only his return to Allah ﷻ in this state can satisfy the epistemological and philosophical foundations of his faith, and internalize the reality of his existence. Therefore, it becomes incumbent upon the believer to recognize and accept this distinction if he is to achieve everlasting bliss in the shade of Allah's perfection.
Root of Perfectionism
Perfection is but a delusion. It is the never-ending chase towards that which is unattainable. There is no everlasting comfort in this world, even though many are willing to go to great lengths to seek it. The reality of the human design is that we have physiological, emotional, reproductive, relational, communal, and spiritual needs. Unlike a wildebeest whose young is born ready to run from a lion, a human baby is born helpless, needy, and desperate for external comfort and nurturance. From the moment we leave the comfort of our mother's womb we begin the constant struggle to meet our needs. However, those with secure parental attachments who are strengthened with adequate parental warmth and care, learn to internalize this comfort and provide it to others. Perfectionism, from this perspective, is the animalistic drive towards everlasting comfort in this world, rooted in an excessive fear of inadequacy, failure, rejection, abandonment, and the inability to meet our needs. Perfection is rooted in the child's desire to be seen, heard, accepted, valued, and be met with the reciprocation of their needs by a loving parent. When that expectation is unmet, an individual's human needs are amplified and the deprivation creates a vacuum that is difficult to fill. No amount of power, wealth, status, children, or knowledge can satisfy, except the acknowledgment and acceptance of the reality of divine distinction.
For many individuals, perfection is meeting the expectations of and pleasing the object of our love. When that object is another human, whether that is our parent, spouse, society, or the ruler of the land, we alter our reality by relating to humans in ways that are reserved exclusively for our Creator. Excessive veneration creates unhealthy parallels and distracts us from the true object of worship. Upon the attainment of power and control, we humans forget that Allah ﷻ bestowed this guardianship and responsibility upon us only to test us. Only those who use that power responsibly can be close to Allah eternally. Those who fail, risk eroding their relationship with themselves, with others, and ultimately with their Creator.
The Reality of Human Perfection
True perfection for the Muslim is rising above witnessing anything other than Allah's power and perfection. It means accepting His will as superior, at the same time, remaining the author of and being responsible for our moral actions (Anjum, 2020). It means loving what He loves, and hating what He hates, and accepting His will as our will. Perfection is meeting our needs appropriately by living by His commandments and prohibitions and affirming His divine attributes. In a psychological sense, perfection is a conscious excavation of the self, an uncovering of the authentic self, a healing of distorted realities, a humbling of the self to the truth, and a witnessing of others with equal dignity.
Conclusion
"If anything is human nature, it is the will to democracy, that is, the will to curtail abuses of rank by acting together to create systems of governance that circumscribe authority" (Fuller, 2021). The first step is to become aware of rank as an excuse for abuse. As we become adept at distinguishing between the legitimate and illegitimate uses of rank, collective opposition to rank's abuses becomes possible. By reevaluating our perception of perfection we realize our existential needs, and needs of the soul. Narcissism is the imposition of perfectionistic demands onto others and the promotion of an image of perfection in the pursuit of others' admiration. Therefore, a true believer is one who reaffirms his obedience to Allah before any human and realizes the grandeur of His existence. When a servant witnesses the reality of perfection, he falls in submission to the Most High and testifies that "there is no deity worthy of worship except Allah". Only then will he be able to wholeheartedly affirm Allah's unicity through the divine distinction, and embody "You we worship, and you (alone) we supplicate for help" [1:5].
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